back to the barre, back to believing

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song: i will be there by odessa

read time: 9 minutes

so a couple things need to happen:

  1. i really need to purchase the pure barre workout dvds

  2. i really need to never stop going to barre. ever. again.

with all the traveling that’s been going on lately, my barre game has been off. minus the one time that i convinced some of the girls in ecuador to do barre workouts with me in the gym [sans an actual barre]. the workout left my thighs burning unbearable amounts every time i walked up the stairs or climbed up the mountain [which, is technically more of a small hill that led to our house. but, hey, i am not technical.]

sidenote: if you haven’t taken barre before, consider this your official notice: TRY IT. it’s the best workout you’ll ever have. while the moves are small and elegant, it really works you. they say it’s a full body workout, and they aren’t lying. every inch of your body will be hating you and thanking, simultaneously.

last week, was my first week back at the barre since all my recent escapades. day one back, wasn’t too bad. yes, the workout felt a little more tough than normal and i opted for the 2lbs weights instead of heavier ones, but hey, i survived. day two back, not so much. day two, was shameful. my sister would have been embarrassed [infact, kim, if you are reading — don’t hate me. i walked out of class.] i had barely eaten that day, minus my daily morning apple, and i had no energy or strength in me. so, right after warm-up i left.

after my walk of shame, i avoided barre for the next couple days. i just didn’t want to deal with building up my strength again, mentally or physically. i knew i couldn’t avoid barre for forever though— they auto-draft $135 every month for my membership. this week, my motivation to go back to the barre was literally that $135. p.s.investing money somewhere is the best accountability partner ever.

i signed up for the class, knowing that i was going to go face to face with torture at precisely 5:45 PM. the instructor assigned to teach the class, she’s the real deal. you know you’ll be getting that “fully body workout” when she’s teaching and leave the class hurting in places you didn’t even think was possible.

warm up started and though some of the ab warm-ups hurt like hell and my push-ups were anything but pretty, i kept going. i kept telling myself, “lindsey, you have to power through. you’re paying for this.”

as we moved on throughout the workout, i couldn’t help but let mind drift off and think about how coming back to the barre is a lot like believing again.

okay, that’s broad. let me scale it back.

because — i think we can all relate and i am pretty sure this is all going to tie together.

i am a person who believes in the impossible. if you tell me something can’t happen or won’t happen, i’ll make it my goal to prove you wrong. impossibility is just not a thing for me.

over the past year though, i’ve been in an awkward tango with believing. i still believe that the world is good, that people are beautiful, and that the impossible can happen — but there’s just one tiny area these days that leaves me a little shaky. it’s one area, where some days, i’m not sure if i believe anything can happen let alone, something wild and extravagant. i have my good days and bad days. days where my belief is strong as steel and days where i don’t know if i can hang onto belief anymore.

if we are being honest, a lot of us experience this tango. the ungainly tango between belief and disbelief doesn’t just happen though — it always stems from something. there is always “that moment”, the one you can look back and say “yeah, that’s when it happened. that’s when the questions and disbelief started to sink in.

my moment happened about a year ago. for awhile, i was in denial that anything happened. i was in denial that i had a “that moment”. but then, as always, reality sank in. i had to swallow the facts, i had to swallow the truth that things had changed. my world had changed.

accepting the change and the hurtful truth of “that moment” was difficult. it left me empty. as much as i wanted to hold on to belief the that anything could happen, i couldn’t. i literally was incapable of believing.

everything about this experience was painful — from the hurt i felt so deeply to the internal battle i dealt with of simultaneously wanting and not wanting to give up on believing for the impossible. i was conflicted and felt separated from the core of who i am: a believer of the impossible. the easy way out was to give up and to let go of the rope that belief had tossed me. as much as i wanted to give up, the core of me knew i had to find my way back to believing again. and so i did.

here’s where everything weaves and ties itself together: our “that moments” are a lot like going on vacation from barre. they separate us from our routine of belief and take us off track from where we were heading or what we were working towards. prior to “that moment”, we tend to be strong in belief — anything that comes our way, we can handle. in the same way that our bodies are strong and can handle rigorous workouts when we are working out on the daily. but when “that moment” hits — often, we fall off the tracks of belief. and well, belief, it becomes a struggle.

getting back the the point of believing again is a lot like getting back to the barre after time away. the first couple days of going back to barre, is a series of serious mind games. i have to give myself pep-talks and convince myself that if i go, the next day will be easier. my legs may shake, my head may get a little light, and my body may tell me i am not strong enough— but i stay at the barre. i stay at the barre because i know it’s good for me. i stay at the barre because i know that i’ll enjoy life more if i am being good to myself, both mentally and physically.

after you’ve experienced a moment in time that has altered your worldview, that has hurt your heart, that has made you question people, that has made you question God, or that has made you question what you are doing with your life — it can be hard and seemingly impossible to get back to believing. believing in the good, believing in people, and believing in promises.

but it has to happen.

you have to come back to belief.

you have to learn to believe again.

you can’t sit, live, wander, and move in a world of disbelief. that wasn’t the world that you were created to experience. you were created to experience a world that is full of impossibilities becoming your reality. you were created to experience a life more extravagant than your wildest dreams. you see, if you don’t come back to believing again— you’ll sell yourself short. you’ll settle. you’ll miss out on the grandeur that life has to offer. you’ll rob yourself [and the people around you] of a wild adventure.

during barre workouts, our instructor always reminds us — “don’t give up. you are stronger than you think.”

it takes strength to believe. it takes strength to see the good in the world. it takes strength to believe in the wild things. it takes strength to believe in things you can’t see. it takes strength to hold onto hope. it takes strength to have faith even when your circumstances are stacking up against you. it takes strength.

but you, dear friend, are stronger than you think. you may feel shaky sometimes and as if you are going to collapse, but hang on to belief just a little longer.

your belief is paving the way for the magic to happen — the magic that turns everything around. you’ll never experience the things that you don’t believe for in this world.

everything that you’ve been believing for, hoping for, trusting for —

it may come tomorrow, but you may miss it if your eyes are closed and if your heart isn’t open to believing.

they say that winter “suddenly” turns into spring. during winter, on the outside, everything is dead. leaves have withered away, trees are bare, and flowers have wilted. while above ground, nature looks hopeless— the activity that is happening underground, in places unseen, is what really is important during winter. more is going on than meets the eye; nature is preparing itself for spring. after winter has done it’s work, spring comes — “suddenly”. if you aren’t looking, you’ll miss it’s grand arrival.

know this, God works in the “suddenly”. He is always moving on your behalf. while for a season, you may have given up on belief, He hasn’t given up on preparing things for you in unseen places. He’ll do his part, but you must do yours too. you can’t give up in believing or else you’ll miss the wild ideas He has planned for you.

while i wish i knew the ins and outs of your story, i don’t—

but i do know this: right here, right now, you have a choice.

it’s a life altering choice, so choose wisely.

will you choose to get back up, believe again, and experience the brilliance of this life?

or will you choose to live in a blasé world of disbelief?

choosing to believe again doesn’t mean you’ll have it all together. some days you may feel shaky. some days you may feel like you’re awkwardly dancing the tango. that’s okay. what matters is that you always come back to a state of belief.

life is better there.